This article contains:
1. One family’s story
2. A 6 step procedure to follow if you strongly suspect someone close to you might have mental illness
3. Our time line – how long it took and what it is still taking
4. A new lexicon – new words to use to help identify mental illness Let’s not fail again.

Let’s not make this discussion mostly about guns, about police work, about the stories of the innocent victims.

LET’S TURN THIS DISCUSSION TO MENTAL ILLNESS IN AMERICA AND ABOUT WHAT EACH AND EVERY INDIVIDUAL AND FAMILY MEMBER CAN DO ABOUT IT.

It all started for us when my brother, despite attaining the only BA degree in the family, became extraordinarily stressed running his share of the family business. He decided instead to join the Navy in his mid-30’s. He called from the Navy: Our Brother They are after me and they are sending me for a psych eval.

Do something. Call Washington. His Commanding Officer called us: C.O. Yes, can you tell us anything about him?
We were hoping you could tell us… C.O. We feel he needs a psych eval. We Will you share the results with us? It came out normal. He served 6 years, worked hard and got an honorable discharge. He came home. But after the calls described above, we all started talking to each other.

Tentatively at first…it is hard to talk behind someone’s back. Then eureka! A flood light went on. We all got together in one room and started to share our actual real-life experiences. I turned on the computer and started to type. It turned into our “Family Document”. The years of secrets and odd painful stories poured out of us. We were astonished by each other’s experiences, moved, educated, but most of all, we were no longer alone with our secret worry. Our individual experiences with him were echoed in every story. There were common threads. We kept the document ongoing on the computer. After his dischargethe document began to grow again - that means his behavior was disturbing and different enough to warrant getting together with the family and writing the incidents down – no secrets kept.

One day after adding an entry to the document I realized we had 10 pages. I printed it out and made an appointment with a Clinical Professor, Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences at a large institution. Mom and three of the four siblings sat in his office. We handed him the document and asked for his advice. After thumbing through three out of the ten pages, he handed it back to us and said, “I don’t have to read any further, your son has schizophrenia.” Mom burst into tears. We left his office that day with a script to follow to get our brother to go to his first psychiatric session with all of us present in the room. It took 3 months. 3 months? Yes. Mom cried over the diagnosis for 6 months. Every day. Then, with grief expressed, we continued on the path of learning and healing. We ALL went to each psychiatric session. The room was full of 6 people (mom, 3 siblings, doctor, patient) every time, sometimes twice a week. We learned how to talk to him. No more ofthis kind of talk… “Shape up, what’s wrong with you, how could you do that or how could you say that?!”

We bought all of his guns from him and got rid of them. After paying out of pocket for the first three years we researched and found out there are multiple sources of possible financial support for those with significant mental illness. Our psychiatrist, who had been recommended by the doctor at the large university, had done a significant amount of his training at a VA. He eventually recommended different life coach type support people, like this one - http://lifeadjustmentteam.com

/ for our brother. Our brother needed to see them three times per week. One of them was responsible for re-introducing him to a 12-step program which has been especially rewarding, not only for our brother but for many of us as well. One day we realized he did not want us to go with him to the psychiatrist anymore. One day we realized that he was happy. His lifeembodies great beauty and he is cherished by our enormous family and many many friends. If you are related to, or have a close friend who ‘is not right’, it is YOUR JOB to do something.

WHAT TO DO:
1. Make a ‘Family and Friends Document”. If you know a family member or friend who exhibits the kind of conversation and/or behavior that gives you ‘something is not right on a deep level’ knowledge that does not go away – but gets worse over time, seek out the family and friends of that person. Meet together, and document your stories. Finish the document.
2. Take the document to a qualified psychiatrist you trust. They will instantly be able to tell you if you are dealing with serious mental illness. Make a plan to get that special family member or friend into a psychiatrist’s office and begin the diagnosis/treatment process.
3. Don’t send them alone. Go with him/her. This is now a part time job for all of you. Don’t stop until the diagnosis is stable, and the person has begun the process of becomingstabilized on medication. Yes, this could take years. Wake up. This is your job because you have a close relationship to a family member or friend whose brain does not work like the rest of us.
4. Insist that the family member or friend continue with private psychiatrist visits and stay on meds most likely for life.
5. Support the family member or friend. If they can’t work due to paranoia, stress related anxiety, or the many reasons related to serious mental illness, financially support the family member or friend. There are many things a family member or friend can do besides working for money that can contribute to society and family wellbeing. And thankfully we have SSDI and Medicare to help.
6. Employ skilled part time or full time assistance. Our doctor recommended the Life Adjustment Team http://lifeadjustmentteam.com/.

They helped us with every aspect of our transition from punitive thinking to loving understanding. My brother saw them 3 times a week for years. We saw them separately. Now he sees them once a month. A note for doctors, lawyers and other professionals: You have clients and friends. You ask them how they are: Professional So, how are you? Client Fine, fine, wife is fine, kids are fine, except for xxxx, we just don’t know what to doabout him/her. She seems fine but I worry.

Who will take care of him after we’re gone? She does not seem to be like the rest of the kids. My nephew is struggling. My niece came home from collegeearly unable to cope. That confused language is code for that family member or friend might have mental illness. That is code for “we don’t have the words to tell you how very different and strange this person is and we don’t even know where to turn. Everything seems ok, but nothing feels right about this person, who is our child, our nephew, our niece, our friend…” …our family member or friend… Doctors, lawyers and professionals - do the following:
1. Tell your client, patient, friend, or colleague that this family member or friend they know and love might have serious mental illness.
2. Get the family and friends together and make a family document.
3. Tell them to take it to a qualified psychiatrist of your choice to formulate a plan to get the family member or friend into therapy. Make sure a group goes with him/her.
4. Do a family intervention with the family member or friendand the psychiatrist.
5. Make sure the family member or friend goes on meds and stays on meds until stable or for life.
6. Suggest that family/friends may want to financially support the family member or friend for a while or for life – there are plenty of things a family member or friend can do to be a productive family member without working for a paycheck.

My brother has a very full life. He does not work for a paycheck. A note for Lorne Michaels, Seth Meyers and all comics: Start poking fun at the clueless family members and friends of mentally ill people who commit big splashy crimes. They have likely ignored the obvious signs for years, and decades. Humor can help if properly focused. A note for The Presidentand all politicians:
1. Guns are not the whole story in death and crime related to mental illness.
2. We need a national lexicon for mental illness (see my suggestions below). One in 100 has a serious mental illness - that is at least one in every family. Remind people to turn to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), http://www.nami.org/ . Instruct people to talk about this. Remind people there is something they can do about it. Tell people to make a family document…to share stories with each other…show the document to a doctor. Begin the diagnosis/treatment process…accompany the family member or friend to psychiatrist sessions. Learn to talk to the family member or friend, whose brain processes words and actions differently from ours. Talk to them without stress and judgment. This process worked for our family. We are not special. We are just like you. We did not know what to do or say and we figured it out. We dodged the bullet of mental illness. There is real hope for the family member or friend. He/she can rise out of the abyss. There is real hope for the family.

Everyone’s life can be enriched and uplifted. Even when the family member or friend is very ill, like our brother, they can get better. There is hope for average people. We are an average family. You can do it. You must do it. We all know that the natural human tendency is to avoid these issues and hope they will work themselves out on their own. We have all seen and felt the horrific results of that thinking. Why do you need to find the courage to share your stories with each other? Because we are human beings, and we learn from sharing stories. If we did not learn this way, the Bible would only contain the 10 commandments plus a few other instructions. Religious leaders tell stories from their pulpits. Each President tells personal stories of individuals in every stump speech, acceptance speech and State of the Union Speech he gives. The stories of our lives reveal truths to us and provide the motivation for us to take appropriate action. Close family and friends must move into the place of taking responsibility for those among us who have serious brain illnesses. Mental illness is where domestic violence was 25 years ago. It was in the closet. It was embarrassing.

There is a dialogue about it now with many groups offering help. Why? Because it was talked about. The Eskimos have 50+ words for snow. Where are our words for people whose brains work differently than ours? One in 100 has one. Where are our words for mental illness? Read below to find my suggestions. LEXICON FOR MENTAL ILLNESS Name for the person who worries you - FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND. The name is Family Member or Friend, or FMF. How about these sentences? “I have afamend (familymemberorfriend- famend) in my life.” Or…”A group of us are helping a famend.” Or- “I need help with afamend. Will you join my group because you have known him/her for years?”

A few years back I was at a Sam Francis art exhibit. One of his outstanding works was titled “Mantis” – meaning prophet and mad…kind of perfect for that special person? Origin of MANTIS: New Latin, from Greek, literally, diviner, prophet; akin to Greek mainesthai to be mad —First Known Use: 1646 mantisnoun The name mantis (“diviner”) reflects an ancient Greek belief in its supernatural powers. Our mantis, my dear brother, has divinely through his madness, taught us how to speak to him, how to respect him, and how to love him deeply all the while enriching ourselves.

Back to you. You scratch your head – yes, you do. If you find yourself scratching your head when someone asks you how this different person in your life is doing – and I mean literally scratching your head, your arm, rubbing your leg, shaking your head back and forth like you are confused and don’t know what to say or do…

Do this: Use your loud inner voice to say to yourself loudly, “This mantis in my life constantly worries me to the point where I don’t know what to say to myself, let alone other people. That means I need to get a group of family members and friends together to begin the process of identifying whether mental illness is present.” It takes time – it took us 6 years to get it all figured out. From year 6 – 10 westeadily enjoyed increased harmony with our brother. We are at year 17 now. We don’t drop the ball. We don’t rest on our laurels. This is our job for life. - Make your family document – with a group of trusted and close family members and friends - Take it to a psychiatrist of your choice and begin the diagnosis/treatment process - Go to each appointment with your famend /mantis. He is not alone. He has you.

All of you. - Support her if work related stress is present. Remove the stress of having to make a living. It is too stressful for the famend/mantis especially if heis getting into conflicts at work. But support him or her if and only if he takes meds, stays on meds and continues with psychiatry for life. - Make sure you like and feel safe and comfortable with the doctor. Your famend /mantis, who has trust issues – who does not know how to trust, needs this vital relationship in his life right along with you and your group. It will be the beginning of establishing lifelong trust – especially if it is sealed with the love of the gift of money and support. This is love. Love they can understand because they need support so desperately. - Research assistance and housing. Your famend/mantis is likely eligible for assistance and housing. - Employ skilled nursing. Our doctor recommended a team of people who saw our famend 3 times a week for years. He continues with them to this day, once a month. - Cost does not have to be an issue. There are plenty of low cost non-credentialed companion style hourly people who need the work.

Do you have constant worry, anxiety, arguments and hideous encounters with your famend /mantis involving hospitalization and law enforcement? If you do your part, change your attitude, reach out for help, much of this nastiness can be avoided. “What the hell does this author know?” you ask, especially if your mantis has been incarcerated or hospitalized or both. Or maybe you are dealing with a famend who is treatment resistant. If you point the finger at yourselves first, change your dialogue patterns, demand medical compliance from your famend while supporting them and giving up old control patterns, bring in the necessary professionals and family and friends who can support you and help you work on changing yourselves these encounters could disappear and it can be possible to experience healing.

Your mantis is better off working? Ok. If medicated, and supported with the proper attitudes, maybe that is what works in your case. Some might be better off working. But not until they are comfortable enough with themselves so as not to make others uncomfortable with their presence. Lastly, we need more words for people who do not work for a living but are vital family members and friends. Try out this sentence: “I am a person who does not work for a living.”

DNW- does not work - a person who does not need to work especially for the benefit of himself, his family and society at large. How about dosenk – does not work. How about friend and support-helper – fash? I am a fash or I am a dosenk. And proud of it. How about uplift?“I am an uplift!I am so much more useful to my friends and family by not working. When I worked I made everyone uncomfortable, not to mention that my own level of anxiety was hard for me to handle…” Can anyone out there suggest a Latin name for this very special person who is in need of depending on others? Are you a wordsmith? Suggest better words. And let’s use them often and with love.

Our Time Line: - Brother was born and was the sweetest baby. As a little boy he was docile and in need of protection. He was not an over eater. “I’m full,” he would say as we all begged for more. He got very tired at 7 pm every night and went to bed early on his own. “I’m tired, I’m going to bed now.” We siblings hated that, as you can imagine… - He struggled in school. - Mom got him evaluated – he was normal. - She sent him to boarding school to toughen him up. It did not work. - He graduated high school and wanted to become a forest ranger. He liked spending 3 weeks in the wilderness alone. Mom and dad were not comfortable with that and Dad insisted on giving him his share of the family business – a chain of stores which among its inventory sold guns and ammo. - He started to stockpile weapons.

Mom and older brother had to reclaim the business and bail it out. He joined the Navy. - During his 6 years in the Navy his CO began to notice symptoms and called the family for input and answers, none of which we had. We thought he was normal…after all, the professionals had all led us to believe that his entire life. Yes, he had developed a delusional belief system. We thought it could be true… - He came home and started exhibiting paranoid behavior. One of my brothers called me to say something had to be done. We did it. We took the family document to a friend who was a psychiatrist at a large medical center….who referred us to his permanent psychiatrist. - His new psychiatrist’s first diagnosis was wrong!

Doctors respond and react to family reticence. His first diagnosis of Delusional Disorder did not cover the paranoid schizophrenia, bi-polar, PTSD and depression our brother had. We demanded a more comprehensive diagnosis. We got it. His meds were adjusted. - It has been 17 years. He is stable and happy. We love and cherish him. And everyone is safe. - He does not work for a living. He is an excellent driver. He drives us to many events, most especially to and from the airport. He is a desired guest and friend. He has interesting opinions and is a wonderful conversationalist. He does not work. He can’t handle it. He gained some weight from taking his meds. So what.

How about suggesting some good words for these common conditions on www.dodgingthebullet.org and how about helping society dodge the bullet of mental illness? *the author along with extended family are living in a big city, USA along with the millionsof families who have been touched by a special gift – the chance to heal mental illness. We need to remain anonymous. Our brother could not withstand the stress of becoming the focus of media attention. Thank you for your consideration.